Zen Rick-isms
By R. D. Flavin

Updated Daily!

May 14, 2016
Dating has never been easy with some worse than others. It used to be if a gal had looks and smarts she was a real keeper. Now, we have to do criminal background checks, past STD exposures, and whether or not they are GMO free. Many girls who have removed glutton from their diet smell like bubble-gum, which is not necessary a bad thing.

May 13, 2016
The human hand, that wonderful prehensile organ, is capable of so much, Assisting artwork, manipulating warfare, and delightfully helping in lovemaking, to name just a few. Isn't sign-language both ingenious and beautiful? Some hands spend entirely too much time deep within pockets, while other use their digits to go spelunking in their nostrils. While the fist comes in handy every now and then, it's the tenderness of a caress which wins ...hands down.

May 12, 2016
There are few non-man-made straight lines in nature. Roads and paths curve and turn this way or that. Some either intentionally or accidentally walk consistently in circles – we generally avoid such. I prefer walking backwards, though I often bump into things. Walking sideways is cool, yet comes with its own problems. I suppose I should be satisfied merely putting one foot in front of another, as the day will surely arise when this too will be difficult and perhaps painful.

May 11. 2016
Fearless, I saw a mountain and tried climb it. With confidence, I met a pretty girl and asked her out for a date. Showing no cowardice, I encountered a gang of hooligans and told them to straighten up. Oh well, after I heal, tomorrow's another day. Perseverance will out.

May 10, 2016
Tensile properties are essential in some businesses and manufacturing. When used as metaphors in certain social situations such comparisons – for instance to say a person has a “hard head” or a “soft heart” seems unoffensive enough, while extending the metaphors sexually seldom seem inappropriate, i.e., “he's got a hard xxxx'' or “I bet her xxxx are as soft as pillows” may be construed as harassment. In today's world of Politically Correctness it could even be construed as possibly criminal. And, NEVER touch another, as this is considered an even greater violation. Whistling and staring intently, while still creepy, don't break any of today's laws yet. Which is why I hold up numbered placards, as they can be representation of intelligence or integrity. Yeah, right...

May 9, 2016
A young fly couple walk into a bar and the bartender asks, What can I get you?” The male speaks up, pride in his voice, “My ol' lady and I just turned 3 days old today, yesterday she squeezed out over a hundred eggs, and I think she deserves to tie one one and get swatted.” “Not a problem,” the bartender replied. He reached under the bar, got a huge fly-swatter and with a loud “SPLAT,” the female was reduced to an unrecognizable pile of goo and gore. The bartender turned to the shocked male fly and asked, “Now, what can I get for you?” The male fly answered, his voice trembling, “Oh, just a shot of water...” “Clean or fetid?” the bartender asked. “Fetid, and make it a double…,” the fly answered. “A double-fetid coming right up...” came the reply. The fly suddenly felt his time left was short, too short.

May 8, 2016
If pain is the body's way of signaling something is wrong and pleasure constitutes “Oh yeah, baby,” numbness or having no particular strong feeling, must represent boredom or the mundane. I guess I must be bored a lot.

May 7, 2016
Some people are like clouds in the sky – big and fluffy, dark and stormy, or just a wisp blowing here and there. Those who have removed themselves from such mundane categorization have assumed the aspect of a clear sky, unblemished and unencumbered by distractions. Of course, I live in Beantown where it rains most days… Oh well, perfection is a fleeting situation.

May 6, 2016
Toilet hygiene has always been very important to humans and some animals. Some have used leaves, shells, and the ever popular bucket of soapy water. As China first invented paper, for a thousand years they made its manufacture quite the ordeal. Toilet paper was first introduced to America in 1857 and today is a huge industry. Unfortunately, the perpetual question of whether to fold or crumble continues to be debated. We shouldn't be so anal about such things and just wipe for hygiene's sake.

May 5, 2016
Birds have fancy plumes, zebras are into stripes, lions love their shaggy manes, the Numbian ibex has these huge horns used for fighting and flirting, and man has potato chips and canned beer. Of course, Mom Terra loves all her creations equally, but I suspect she admire the ingenuity of canned beer. As a matter of fact, a cold can of beer sounds refreshing about now.

May 4, 2016
I sometimes wonder who is more happy-go-lucky, atheists or the Religious? Sure, there are some who indulge in this and that, and some who feel guilty while others do not. This is why I only believe in myself. Yeah, I have fun, and yeah I feel guilty sometimes, but it's all mine even if I believe or not.

May 3, 2016
While it remains true certain 'facts' change with new data, fictions will always remain invented narratives. This is why most subscribe to the self-correcting scientific method and regard fiction as entertainment. Although quantum humor can be quite amusing if one can understand it.

May 2, 2016
Albert Einstein is famous for his remark, “God does not play dice with the universe.” I'm okay with this, I just hope there are no other games God wishes to play. Marbles could be devastating.

May 1, 2016
We admire the bravery and foresight of the first paleolithic man to select a sharp stone or a Copper or Eneolithic Age fellow who finely sharped the edge of a piece of copper and performed the first 'shave' on himself. The risk! The daring! Now, the first woman who shaved likely sold for two goats and a bag of honey, but beginnings seldom follow the textbooks. To this day, some prefer hairiness over smooth skin. I just wonder if the two goats and the bag of honey was worth it.

Apr. 30, 2016
Fools and firemen rush in, yet only firemen come back out. There's a lesson there someplace, but I'm busy trying to put out my shirt that's on fire.

Apr. 29, 2016
Those who look both ways before crossing the street are are rewarded with good health and peace of mind. Those who don't look both ways often have to settle for a pair of crutches and a cast featuring signatures of people who don't like you.

Apr. 28, 2016
Being, Normal Being with a license to have fun. Known to wear clown-shoes at formal affairs and also allow very quiet flatulence in crowded elevators. Seems to work well with others, but secretly can't stand co-workers. Never uses profanity on days which begin with either T's or S's and generally takes up two parking spaces when possible. Good at changing channels on cable television and sometimes argues about the differences between apples and oranges. Easy to amuse, easier to anger. Avoid when inebriated, however go through wallet and remove all cash when passed out. Wear two layers of protection during sex and establish bathroom rules immediately and follow them. Feed when necessary and water when aromas become unbearable. Always qualify, never promise, but have a good time none the less.

Apr. 27, 2016
Sex with animals is sick and you'll likely get a disease of some type, sex with plants is too kinky and could stain the sheets, sex with oneself is generally considered an onanism, kinda' sad, and a desperate cry for attention, sex with others, as long as appropriate laws are maintained, is most often regarded as cool and fun, except when they are unconscious and wake up and call the police. At least plants won't call the police...

Apr. 26, 2016
Too many countries still have teeth, a significant amount have partials, a cadre of confidence or con-countries have the bark and braggadocio to defend their political ends with talk alone, and then there are those 'toothless' countries which tend to keep their collective mouths shut for fear of any and everything. Personally, pearly whites, a six-pack of thermo-nukes at my side, with Elon Musk as my humanist valet, would a good start if such were possible.

Apr. 25, 2016
We must leave emotional and sociological breadcrumbs behind us so we may one day follow the trail back to humanity. It's not cynicism, really, ...it's hope

Apr. 24, 2016
A little bit of tin combined with copper, made us bronze. A little bit of super-secret carbon combined with iron, made us steel. A few nano particles of nickel added to steel makes a super-light steel alloy, almost as strong as titanium, but at 10% the cost. A standard ice cream cone topped with various flavored candy sprinkles is called in the Beantown vernacular a cone with 'jimmies,' one of the last vestiges of racism as 'chocolate jimmies' was a racist way of using chocolate or 'Jim Crow' sprinkles. Don't get me started on the difference between soda and tonic, I don't feel like crying today.

Apr. 23, 2016
In our medicated world, I wish there was a pill for unabashed jubulence. Yeah, I could get addicted to something like that, but the sheer elation could make it work.

Apr. 22,2016
I dropped out of a course at Harvard last week for no particular reason other that to say, “Yup, I dropped out!” Besides, does the world really need another scholar specializing in flavored smoke-bombs? Cherry flavored mace be different…

Apr. 21, 2016
Do ya' think Mom Terra needs to see a dermatologist? She certainly has a wide range of conditions. There are dry and rough spots, greasy and moist areas, the poles and much of the holartic tundra seems to be suffering from frostbite, those nasty bubbling boils which occasionally and spew hot lava is usually a painful affair, oh there are dark forests and perfectly groomed meadows to frolic and play in, and some places smell better than others. I'd mention losing some water-weight as it creates a bulge around the middle, but that's too cosmetically picky. My personal view is Mom Terra is perfect with interesting environments included. I hope you feel the same way.

Apr. 20, 2016
I've read a couple of scientific papers recently which have strongly suggested not only do blondes have more fun, but they are actually a few percentage points smarter than the rest of us. I don't have a problem with this as long as science admits the sensual and social superiority of redheads. I mean, brunette and jet-black ebony hair is beautiful as well, but we all have our favorites, don't we? It might even be protected under the Ninth (or unenumerated) Amendment.

Apr. 19, 2016
We ask ourselves if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it fall, does it still make a sound? Now that I know the government sees and hears all, I would answer, “Yes,” it does make a sound. Of course, filling out all the paperwork to get a copy of said tree falling in the forest might be time consuming. Chances are if your request is answered it'll be heavily redacted and the description of the falling the tree will be blacked out for national security reasons and the actual audio recorded would likely be termed TOP SECRET. Still, it's nice to know that someone out there is still paying attention.

Apr. 18, 2016
Some eat meat before the meat eats them, some eat fish before the fish eats them, some are vegans because they really hate plants, and then there are those who eat chocolate because it's yummy.

Apr. 17, 2016
When we fall, we're expected to get back up. Who would it hurt if we just laid there for a bit. Of course, others would have to either step over or walk around us. Too many expectations! If I fall I'm staying put for a bit until I decide when it's the right time to get back up. Like when the police order me to get up or I have to go to the bathroom or something. Ah, America! Life, liberty, and lying on sidewalks! What a great country!

Apr. 16, 2016
We play better with some than others and I think that's for the best. I mean, if all we did was play all the time no work would get done. And, if no work gets done, it means no more playing. So, play with some, work with others, and play at working with the rest!

Apr. 15, 2016
The other night a star fell from the sky, so I decided to put it back where it belonged. For some reason unbeknownst to me, it chose to fall once more. As the star shimmered at my feet and then darkened to black, it occurred to me me while we may marvel at the Heavens above, we can't control them. I suppose this is for the best as some might be tempted to play feng shui with the planets and stars and rearrange them according to size or some other silly thing. Personally, I'd put Venus and Mars together, but then I've always been more romantic than pragmatic.

Apr. 14, 2016
We add, subtract, multiply, divide, yet pay others to do our taxes. We also urinate, defecate, and vomit, but can't find anyone to do those things for us. There's talk of walking a mile in another's shoes, but that's what taxis are for. Now, if only I could find someone to laugh and cry for me. Wait; that's what mirrors are for!

Apr. 13, 2016
I thought I heard the sound of one hand clapping, but it was just a cloud overhead ignoring me.

Apr. 12, 2016
1966's “It's a Man's Man's Man's World” by James Brown and Betty Jean Newsome succeeded in nailing the future better than 1984 or 2001: A Space Odyssey. When ya' find a dead body, ya' call the homicide detectives not the gynocide cops. Same goes with what we put on our morning cereal, homogenized milk and not a feminized dairy product. When the LGBT movement hits its stride employees won't read training manuals, but rather suggestions for accomplishments. Herstory has already replaced much of history and maniacs will be called “reality challenged.” Oh, I guess we're already there.

Apr. 11, 2016
An apple a day may indeed keep the doctor away, but killing and eating the head of a chicken (classic circus 'geek' behavior) will certainly earn one lodgings in a finely padded cell and these really cool jackets which can only be opened from behind. Sure, daily fruit is fine, but it seldom comes with lodging and clothes as well.

Apr. 10, 2016
Last week, somewhere in Danvers (originally named 'Salem Village'), Massachusetts, I was extremely flattered when I was asked for my autograph. The gentleman was extremely polite and well dressed. It's been years since I'd been asked for an autograph, as journal papers are difficult to sign and not very popular. I was a bit surprised when the polite man handed me a pink copy of my autograph and mumbled something about $150.00 and something about fixing my “lead foot,” though I'm unsure what he meant by that. Apparently we're scheduled to meet again in a month and a half and I'll ask him then.

Apr. 9, 2016
I was having breakfast and a little of my ketchup for my home-fries 'touched my scrambled eggs. My waitress called the cops and the judge said I was a public menace. I'm now a Registered Ketchup Offender, I have to show my paperwork at every restaurant I enter, and no ketchup is allowed near me at anytime. First they come for your condiments, then they'll take your choice of soda. Guess I'll be spending a lot of time in my own kitchen...

Apr. 8, 2016
Is there really that much difference from TV dinners eaten off of TV tray tables in front of a television and chomping on a microwaved HotPocket streaming something from Netflix? Gog gnaw bone while women fight and scream… Someday when Soylent Green actually tastes good, we'll be doing impossible things in Virtual Reality. Until then, seeing you're up could you bring me back a cold one?

Apr. 7, 2016
Oh, great sky above! I care not if you're clear and cloudless, or filled with clouds of every shape and hue, or dark and stormy sending lightening and tornadoes at us. Oh, great sky above you need no one's permission to do your best or worst. I would ask one thing, though – please stay above, as if the great sky were below it would be a clear indication Chicken Little was right and madness has defeated the sane.

Apr. 6, 2016
Knock, knock – no response. Knock, knock; only louder this time – still no response. Knock, knock; banging with my fists – silence was all I heard. Suddenly, the door opened and she said, “You should have used the doorbell, that's what it's there for...” Stupidity is a widespread, though non-communicable affliction, often found in those who ignore the new and cling to the old. The past is for historians, while the future awaits us all.

Apr. 5, 2016
It's generally held we sleep when we have to, though I maintain we are awakened when forced to

Apr. 4, 2016
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but knives cut deep and make me bleed and guns tend to leave holes or just kill you outright. Even without weapons, opponents seldom use their fists, as picking up a brick or a nearby large rock and slamming it up alongside someone's head generally brings any conflict to a close. Wise-cracks, swearing, or shoving should be regarded as antiquated (and most dangerous) behavior. Ditto, with turning tail and making a run for it. Suicide is a cowardly alternative. Avoiding conflict should be first and foremost, but renting a bodyguard with a carry permit seems sound, if one can afford it. Though, if all else fails, moving to another town can be a growing experience.

Apr. 3, 2016
The one-time “Wickedest Man in the World (according to the London newspapers),” once proclaimed: “We place no reliance on virgin or pigeon. Our method is science, our aim is religion.” An interesting couplet, to be sure, though I'd personally switch my aim to science. Confessions and crackers work for some, but I rather enjoy the car starting in the morning, food not going bad because of the lack of refrigeration, and especially these moving pictures with their gun fights and ...scantly glad females. 'Tis true only God can make a tree, but what about a Banana Daiquiri or a Long Island Iced Tea? And, so we continue to separate church, state and good bartenders. Though sometimes they're needed by both the church and the state.

Apr. 2, 2016
I'd be weird at first, but I think it would benefit all parties concerned if we turned our jails into zoos. The visitors could view the convicted in their 'natural' space, that is, a confined jail-cell with bars, and likewise, the criminals could witness the liberty and freedom now denied the. Sure, like at other zoos there could be some feces tossing and much ranting and raving, but as long as the visitors don't get too close and follow the clearly marked signs, “PLEASE DON'T FEED THE PRISONERS” everything should go alright. School children could take day special field trips, anthropologist could study criminals in a controlled setting, and the abundant fresh-air could do the criminals some good. I mean if zoos are good enough for our favorite animals, shouldn't they also be okay for society's worse? Confinement is confinement and the only thing I'm suggesting here is increasing our knowledge base by seeing how the incarcerated live. Maybe pick up a t-shirt...

Apr. 1, 2016
I've always wondered why fire-departments dispatch trucks and ladders to 'rescue' a cat in a tree. Please do not mistake my compassion for kitties – I've been and will remain very fond of cats all of my life. It's just it must cost the cities and townships a great deal of money for such an endeavor. I mean, once or maybe twice a fire-unit may refer to the rescue of a kitty from a tree as practice in case a housewife overdoes it on cleaning supplies and decides to go for a climb. The money involved and the sheer fact while a truck is busy one place, it can't be answering an emergency at another. With fondness firmly in place, if a critter can find a way up ...it can find a way down. I think it's in the fine print of everyone's contract we have for life on Earth – avoid stupid things!

Mar. 31, 2016
Trees are great conversationalists. For one thing, they'll listen to each and every rant or screed you share with them at the top of your lungs. You'll never find a better listener than a tree. And, amazingly, they are never judgmental as most others are wont to be. As far as keeping secrets, you will not discover a more steadfast oath-keeper. Now, as far as conversation being a two-way street, some have found it difficult to get a word or three from them, but that's only because they've little to say. Unless, of course, you've news of a sighting of some Ent-Wives. Bringing gifts is up to you – water is always a safe bet, but anything else depends on the tree. Have a happy conversation!

Mar. 30, 2016
Dry coughs, while most often reserved for smokers, though others react to an irritant (nasty female or male perfumes), extreme dryness in the air, or possibly as a sign of something more serious just around the corner, may often be annoying.. I'll bet smoker's cough makes up over 90-something percent of disruptions in theaters (after cell-phones). Now, being a smoker who coughs during a seminar with 300 or more, or at an opera or instrumental concert event, I can personally testify it's a wicked quantum embarrassment. I stopped smoking cigarettes last week, but I've a feeling the dry cough will persist a while longer. As sorry as I am about dry coughing in public, I'll take some minor comfort it's coughing and not flatulence.

Mar. 29, 2016
Some sing in the shower, others emulate Gene Kelley and break into song when it rains, yet I wonder why there are so few references to folks singing in the bathtub. Is it for lack of bathing or the acoustics aren't right? Those who sing while on the toilet are beyond discussion… I don't sing in the shower, not because I'm ashamed of my voice, but rather the sound of the water spraying like a hard rain is music enough for me.

Mar. 28, 2016
I know some who are illiterate, in that their parents weren't married, yet the love between brother and sister is strong, and we must not judge the toothless as without brushing they avoid the commie plot to poison us with fluoride. We're all Appalachians, ...err, I mean Americans, even though they may not be able to either spell or correctly pronounce their heritage. Their loyalty is not be questioned as they will surely turn their backs and run away given the first opportunity. It is admirable they are neither Democratic nor Republican and care only for the shine of the moon and not the whine of folks who talk and dress funny.

Mar. 27, 2016
Personally, as an omnivore who puts ketchup on too much food, my heart weeps for the vegans, as when the Evil Aliens arrive, and I have no doubt they may be already on their way, the Evil Aliens will most assuredly eat the vegans first, as they will be deemed tastiest and without preservatives and chemical additives. To all vegans, I'd like to extend my thanks.

Mar. 26, 2016
We must marvel at out attempts and successes to rise above and leave terra firma. From toy-gliders, to hot-air balloons, airplanes, and now rockets which may take us far, far away. If only we showed the same determination to stay put and enjoy terra firma without fouling the Earth, as we are prone to do, but rather show a proper appreciation.

Mar. 25, 2016
Many do not adequately prepare for the end of life. Illness and disease often give us some degree of advance warning, yet the unforeseeable 'accident' sometimes seems as if dealt from the bottom (of a deck of playing cards). The popular idiom, “The only things we can take for granted are death and taxes” is delusional and false. Some get away without paying taxes, but no one escapes death. I'd like pepperoni and green pepper on my Tombstone.

Mar. 24, 2016
So, no good deed goes unpunished. Fine, if that's the way it is. Though, if every BAD deed were rewarded, we'd soon find ourselves in quite the pickle. I can only hope it's 'bread and butter', but would settle for 'dill'.

Mar. 23, 2016
Our American debt is around $18.8 trillion dollars, Robert Downey Jr. raked in $80 million for both Avengers: Age of Ultron and the soon-to-be released Captain America: Civil War, a Dodge Viper SRT sets one back to the tune of $102,485, Sony's Playstation 4 with all the bells and whistles plus a subscription will cost indulgent parents over $450 bucks to placate their little gamer child, good meals often cost between $20 and $50 (without wine and dessert), and then there's me, who supports Burger King's dollar or value menu over McDonalds. Maybe I should take a moment a pick up all those pennies I walk on and over every day...

Mar. 22, 2016
While it is mostly true that men will make passes at girls who wear glasses, it's also well documented when wearing beer-goggles (being inebriated) men will sleep with most conscious females (and, sadly, a few unconscious ones as well), women are constantly fooling around with men who have the “Bad Boy” attitude, yet claim to desire a man who has a well-paying good job, is good with kids, AND great in bed. Though Americans have around a 50% divorce rate, number crunchers believe the percentage will decrease as folks stay married longer, are getting better at having secret affairs, or marrying later in life with much foolish behavior, mistakes, and more behind them. As the Oldsters would say, “So much for Ozzie and Harriet,” with other Oldsters going on about Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Today's couples are probably like yesterday's, just we're better preserved and don't marry the first bimbo or jerk who happens along.

Mar. 21, 2016
If brains were shoes Stephen Hawking would be a pair of highly polished wing-tips, Bill Gates some nice leather dress shoes, Willie Nelson's cowboy boots likely need to be re-soled, Quentin Tarantino probably occasionally wears biker boots, Dr. Phil and Dr Sanjay Gupta would be comfortable in L. L. Bean boots, I can see George Clooney sporting cool casual shoes, Jon Stewart in tennis (or running or walking shoes), Stephen King in sandals, Samuel L. Jackson enjoying the liberation of flip-flops, and, going full analogy, Barack Obama walking barefoot.

Mar. 20, 2016
Two anal-retentive guys walk into a bathroom with a single, sit-down toilet (yes, there was a urinal in the bathroom as well). They rapidly discussed alternatives with basically neither conceding the other defecate first or they both soil themselves if no agreement could be reached. As this is a hypothetical, I must be honest, and hope they both soil themselves. Being stubborn may win the day or cause one to soil themselves or worse. Sure, some would defecate in the urinal, give a shoulder shrug, and leave unburdened. This is NOT my code – I do not soil myself, it's not necessarily my duty to make others soil themselves, yet when you have to go, you HAVE to go. I'd hold it and find another toilet, but that's just me.

Mar. 19, 2016
Traditions are only valid if they are still practiced without penalty. Gone are the days when a king would 'sleep' with a new bride before her husband got a chance. Likewise, at least in civilized countries, for the most part we DO suffer a witch to live, indeed there have been open neo-pagans in the U.S. military for over a dozen years now. Holding a door open for a woman is still practiced and usually rewarded with a smile. Pulling out a seat for a woman before she sits down? She'd have to be a Jim Thomsonesque A HELL OF A WOMEN to merit such, yet I have no doubt some are still out there. Some keep traditions to connect with the past, while others continue traditions to influence the future.

Mar. 18, 2016

The other day, I saw a man hunched over his coffee with a small dog on his back. Cute and well trained small dog. In my teens I wished for a spider-monkey on my shoulder who could roll marijuana joints, but alas it was not meant to be. Dylan once sang about “...a diplomat who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat,” but Bob was “Like a Rolling Stone” at the time. It's nice when animals love humans. It's not so nice when animals eat humans.

Mar. 17, 2016
As I live in a major city, I'm used to seeing the police, public transportation officers, university and college police, and of course a multitude of armed security guards. If I was paranoid, I'd think I lived in a police state with guns all around me. I can't imagine those NRA states where folks are allowed to carry guns while shopping or going to restaurants. It's not like we're at war or anything. Oh, that's right; we ARE at war with the idiots with guns, but our only weapon is the ballot-booth. I hope we vote better than they shoot.

Mar. 16, 2016
I'm not sure Matthew 5:29 and its advice “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out...” is good advice. It's gross, psychologically termed self-mutilation and dissociative, border-line illegal, and most certainly stupid and unwise. I don't believe Jesus would advance such an idea, but rather it was most assuredly the words of someone else. Sorry, Christians, but the New Testament needs a good editor. Most antiquated “scripture” does. But, it's okay, even non-believers make mistakes too.

Mar. 15, 2016
Everyone loves a winner, and only in horse or dog racing, is second (“place”) and third (“show”) recognized with a pay-out. The losers usually hear something like, “It's better to have played and lost, then never to have played,” which sounds nice, but means zilch. Oh, I have loved and lost, yet I still have known love and am the better for it. Right, sure, whatever, however we must get back out there and try to win, so Republicans shouldn't feel too bad. Just a little bad. Think of it as political Darwinism and the survival of the fittest. I look forward to a time when the only place to view bigots, misogynists, and mean idiots will be behind glass in a museum display.

Mar. 14, 2016
We stand, walk, sometimes limp, run or skip if we so desire. Some crawl because they must or are forced to. The unfortunate who don't have use of their legs, often shift the responsibility of mobility to their arms, and then there are those whose body won't cooperate and work normally for a variety of reasons. The fortunate have working brains which can do some pretty amazing things. In recent years the definition of death involved the breath, the heart, and now we acknowledge the loss of brain function to be it – unless we count the kept-alive-by-science ' as life,' instead of the improper slang “vegetable.” Decartes was profound and prophetic when he exclaimed “Cognito ergo sum,” though if it's pretty girls, sports, or comic books it's generally regarded poorly and expectations call for genius. Well, genius is a great gift if one has it, yet I must defend the right to watch pretty girls, sports (especially pretty girls playing sports), and reading comic books. We're all different because that's the way Earth wants it. We mustn't argue with Mom Terra or she'll slap us with a natural disaster. Here's to individuality!

Mar. 13, 2016
There are those who equate cooking or any food preparation and eating with the journey of life to death. Then, extending the metaphor, ritual mourning or holding a wake and burial and what happens afterward, that is, Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, or nothing at all, may be compared to a healthy firm bowel movement, explosive diarrhea, sick to one's stomach and vomiting the food up and out, or just eating and being constipated. We all take different paths which lead to passing, but it all ends up either with or in a dump. Have a nice day and take nourishment with gusto!

Mar. 12, 2016
One doesn't have to be an extremist, a Luddite of sorts, to regret our current cultural, societal, and technological traits will leave little for the future to discern our life-styles, construction, and literature. Anthropologists of tomorrow will be hard pressed to understand the so-called “reality show” phenomenon of Honey Boo-Boo. Likewise, archaeologists centuries from now will have difficulty with today's construction styles and how towns were laid out, as looking or digging into the past requires historical 'layers' and when we tear down our buildings they get shipped off to a landfill somewhere. And, sadly for the critics and students of literature to come as they won't be able to study early drafts and re-writes because our writing programs and apps use spell and grammar check so they'll be nothing to trace the development of today's literature. Perhaps it's for the best Honey Boo-Boo is forgotten in the future. I wish I could forget about her today...

Mar. 11, 2016
The medicating of America began long before our current so-called “opioid crisis.” “Mother's little helpers,” that is, valium aka diazepam, was sung about by the Rolling Stones in the mid-'60s, and immediately before that celebrities and commoners alike were dropping like flies from overdosing on barbiturates. There have been very few Westerns filmed which realistically portray the good women from “Back East” in the Wild West perpetually numbed and intoxicated by opium-elixirs to keep them from screaming at the filth, violence, and occasional American Indian attack. Well, our American Revolution was plotted at the Green Dragon tavern in Boston, so it seems intoxication in America is nothing new.

Mar. 10, 2016
Fire, as a chemical reaction, is produced in Nature (lightening strikes, for instance), yet since according to ancient Greek myth, Prometheus stole a bit of Zeus' lightening and gave mankind the ability to make and control fire. For some time now, anthropologists and archaeologists have focused on 400,000 years ago with the emergence of our immediate ancestors, archaic humans (likely Homo heidelbergensis) to use fire, but now scientists are seeking to push the date even earlier, to a million years ago, during the 'reign' of Homo erectus and/or Homo ergaster. We've come a long way from burning dry weeds, twigs, and wood, and have moved into the fossil fuels of coal, oil, and natural gas, with a butt-hurt variety of nuclear material already being used and more to come. Sure, alternative energy is making great strides, but we still suffer (along with Prometheus getting his liver eaten every day) with conventional fuels fouling and endangering our planet. Yeah, some get all fired up and blame fossil fuel usage partly responsible for climate change, but it's not like the cigarettes are going to light themselves. Oh, wait; some already do. Earth, we have a problem.

Mar. 9. 2016
It's so cool evolution allowed us to morph from a shrew-like rodent to a species of bipedal dancers capable of giving an opposable thumbs up or down depending on our mood generated by our sentient brain filled with neuroses of every order of good and bad, but also discerning enough to not mix plaids and stripes. For the most part, it's a hoot being human, through the male-pattern baldness and occasional bouts of “Hey, let's render the Earth uninhabitable” are troublesome. Yet, I'm amazed we've progressed this far. A rodent could never build a space-vessel which would allow it to visit and walk on the Moon, nor would a rodent ever vote for an idiotic bigot. Well, maybe a rodent would… But, as the coolest life-form on Earth, we've put a man (men, actually) on the Moon, and now we have to work on putting 'men' on Earth. Men who don't pollute, appreciate the rights of women, children, the elderly, the sick, and would never dream of putting ketchup on a hot-dog. Rodents have holes and humans have goals. I hope we continue to reach, at least, for some of them.

Mar. 8, 2016
Our Earth is covered by a little over 70% water and a little less than 30% land. It's said our bladders can hold up to two cups of urine during the day and as much as four cups at night. I've no idea how much urine is in our oceans, rivers, and lakes. I do care about how much feces there is, though I suspect the majority of it comes from Republicans. Just a guess, I admit.

Mar. 7, 2016
The passing of a family member hurts beyond words, when friends die we mourn the loss of a part of ourselves, and the death of a personal hero ...is sad, we may feel any or everything from depression to devastation, despite a personal hero being neither family or friend. However, we must continue and feel honored to have been related to, friends with, or admiring the works of someone we considered extraordinary. Some cry immediately, others may take months or years to fully feel the grief, and then there are those who accept the end as inevitable and ...natural. No two react the same, yet the hearts break none the less.

Mar. 6, 2016
Certain folks are NEVER bored as they have this or that to think about. Many do experience boredom and I feel a disconnect, of sorts, as a writer I'm always thinking about what I've written or what I will write. Sure, I've had 'writer's block' for a moment every now and then, but with all honesty most of it is just typing because the ideas and words are there, I just occasionally get lazy. Then, when I realize I'm avoiding writing something because of laziness, I snap out of my feigned creative constipation and move words about with a grunt, a grin, and I always wash my hands afterward.

Mar. 5, 2016
Some build walls to keep things out, others build walls to keep things in, there are those who build walls because they can, and there are those who won't build walls and build bridges instead.  However, just like leading a horse to water, even if a bridge is built, one can't force some to cross when they don't want to. True freedom is based on choice.  What or whether one chooses is an exercise of freedom.  And, then there are those who don't wish to be free and it's a choice we may disagree with, yet must support. Who knew freedom was so complicated?

Mar. 4, 2016
The young play rock – paper – scissors, while the old decide between biological, chemical, radiological, or nuclear weapons. Meanwhile, the rest of us struggle with ordering from the 'dollar' value menu or forking over tall change for a premium sandwich. To each their own and the peasants likely 'would' eat cake ...if they could afford it. Now, hide and go seek with weaponized drones looks like fun, but then one has to live with the dead innocents of collateral damage. I haven't played marbles in many years, though some would say I lost mine awhile back… There's always the game 'hangman', but now most states are into lethal injection. I think I'll stick with Tic-Tac-Moe (always trying to replace Shemp with Curly, Curly Joe, or “Fake Shemp.” It's not that much fun, but at least starting out a loser and staying a loser isn't much of a disappointment.

Mar. 3, 2016
We were taken aback (or, rather, some of us were) when Jack Nicholson's character, Col. Nathan R. Jessup, USMC, bellowed menacingly in 1992's A FEW GOOD MEN, “You can't handle the truth!” In the delightfully clear rear-view mirror of hindsight, such a claim challenges our judicial system when in court we are required to “swear to tell the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth.” Yeah, there are always those pesky 'white lies' or 'lying by omission' which brings us back to the WHOLE truth concept and concern. Yet, there are non-judicial times when leaving out certain details may be prudent and spare others unnecessary discomfort. So, yeah there are times when some of us can't handle some truths and those who can should show empathy and ...leave out this or that when it would upset others. Or, we could purposely comment on the faults of others and risk the wrath of women who wear jeans too tight, men who are fat and/or balding, and kids who explore their nostrils with their fingers entirely too much. While Mark Twain famously said, “Always tell the truth and you won't have to remember anything,” he likely wouldn't last long today telling kids not to swear so much and to pull up their pants. Wanna' insult another guy? Be prepared for what comes next… Women? They ALWAYS look good (even though some might brashly say their jeans are too tight) and anyone who says otherwise does so at their own peril. It's lies we all agree we can't handle… Semper fidelis!

Mar. 2, 2016
As Carl Sagan once said, “We are made of starstuff,” (it was Joni who said “stardust”) and though I have nothing but the utmost respect for the late cosmologist, there is a permutation we all recognize, yet seldom discuss. Some are like rock and they are hard and difficult to move. Others are like clay and may be shaped this way and that, though sometimes when a fire consumes them, they harden into a fixed position. There are those who are like glass and we can see right through them, however they seem to break quite easily. Then there are most of us who are made of flesh and who bruise and bleed, laugh and cry, are dark at times, yet shine like a sun in our moments of joy. Yeah, and most Republicans, lawyers, and tax accountants are made out of feces, which makes me wonder how Sol, our sun, would spin-off and defecate such into existence. Well, that's another problem for cosmologists and philosophers; I've got some leaking to do...

Mar. 1, 2016
Okay, so “some live to eat” and others “eat to live.” How quaint! I eat because I can afford to and when I'm hungry. My heart goes out to those without food and I encourage them to move or emigrate to where the food is (an old Sam Kinison line). Yeah, there's public assistance in some countries, one can get a job in some countries, or commit a crime and steal a la Victor Hugo and Les Misérables, which I don't recommend unless one has absolutely no other choice, is a last resort, and is prepared for the punishment if caught. Meanwhile, us spoiled Americans are celebrating Burger King, the Home of the Whopper hamburger, for finally selling ...hot dogs. Some of us are petty and shallow people.

Feb. 29, 2016
While it's been said, “Fish can't carry guns,” in support, I suppose, of some anti-gun early Christian fish-symbol and acrostic for “Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior,” ichthus (ɪkθəs), from the Greek ikhthýs (ἰχθύς, "fish"), I shrug it all off and simply comment fish tastes good with tarter sauce (though an allowance must be made for the British fish and chips with malt vinegar).

Feb. 28, 2016
We enjoy, benefit from, if not NEED libraries. Perhaps primitive (Neolithic) rock-art sites which archaeologists ingloriously describe as “graffiti bulletin-boards” were in actuality a “library” of different 'maker's marks', signatures, or examples of ideographic proto-writing which eludes us Moderns. Many are familiar with the tragedy of the burning of the ancient library of Alexandria, Egypt (apparently different portions at different times), and some are acquainted with the 14th century Petrarch and his collection of rare and unknown classical manuscripts (there were other such collectors, of course). Yes, and Ben Franklin opened the first lending library in America in 1731 (though non-members of the library's paid subscribers had to leave enough money behind to cover the replacement of the borrowed book). I was stunned to hear the news Brandeis University's library was getting rid of their books and going completely digital libraries, at least for me, will always remain places of enchantment and of scholarly research. And, to be honest, they usually have 'free' bathrooms open to the public.

Feb. 27, 2016
The debate whether “clothes make the man” or “the man makes the clothes” is superfluous to the 'real' questions: should men wear skirts (kilts, if you must), should they simply parade around naked, or be allowed to wear frumpy, wrinkled, stained, or ripped and torn clothing if they choose to? I support wearing clothes which fit the occasion and being naked when required, r.e., in the bath or shower and when having sex. Truth be told, I've been wearing a dress-shirt and faded jeans since eighth grade and have no plans to change my 'style' any time soon.

Feb. 26, 2016
I keep hearing men say they like their women this way or that way, with big this and small that, however I always reply the same way to such talk: “I like my women conscious and not to call the police on me.” Sometimes keeping it simple is best.

Feb. 25, 2016
Everyone always says “You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you CAN'T pick your friend's nose.” Well, that's technically untrue because it's just too gross to go there. We all have our limits and no matter how dear a friend may be, I'll not insert a digit into a nostril and pick out a friend's booger. Nope. Gotta' draw the line somewhere and picking someone else's nose is a good a place to start as any.

Feb. 24, 2016
Pain. Most everyone has experienced some degree of pain at least once in their life. I strongly dislike going to a doctor, complain about a pain I'm having, and told to go home and take a couple of aspirin. My dad had an entirely different approach when I told him I was in pain. “Where does it hurt?” he'd ask. “My arm, dad. I think I sprained it,” I once answered. He abruptly kicked me in the leg and asked, “Does your arm still hurt?” It took me a few times to learn not to complain about minor pains to my father. I'm still not a big fan of aspirin, but have conditioned myself to deal with the little aches and pains of life. My butt hurts when I talk to some people, yet it magically goes away when they do. I wish all pain could be handled as easily.

Feb. 23, 2016
Though certain life-forms apparently communicate with one another or possess some primitive tool-making ability, maintain the semblance of a social order, and have been known to partake in fermented fruit containing alcohol, the only remaining Hominina, us Homo sapiens sapeins, seem to be the only fully sentient (self-aware) creature who worries about ...pretty much anything and everything. The religious are busy with their mystical mumbo-jumbo, while the sane turn to His Incuriousness, Alfred E. Neuman, and casually repeat the mundane mantra, “What, me worry?” I would proclaim, “Herein is wisdom,” but I don't care and neither should you.

Feb. 22, 2016
'Tis said “Home is where the heart is,” though because of my anxiety and high blood pressure, I do spend a lot of time at doctors' offices and clinics. Some live in apartments (as I do), others rent or own their own homes, and then there's the condo-crowd. I'd discuss love, but my heart's not really up for it right now.

Feb. 21, 2016
We're taught from an early age to look both ways before we cross a street or railroad tracks and most do. Those who don't sometimes get hit and often die. Yeah, there are cases of suicide, the occasional homicide, but most are classified as accidents. Seldom is intelligence, or rather the lack of utilizing intelligence mentioned. Smart people look both ways and stupid people don't. Which, I suppose, is why I take public transportation so much as it's somebody else's responsibility to look both ways.

Feb. 20, 2016
Those who don't hunt, fish, dig for clams, put out lobster traps, or even pick mushrooms in the woods or grow veggies, tomatoes, and leafy stuff in a garden usually just think food comes packaged or all rinsed and shiny. Most never think about killing, butchering, gutting, or doing the planting, watering, and harvesting thing. It's too easy and it disrespects the life-forms involved. I suggest we make everyone get a license to buy meat and seafood by making them kill an animal or slice open a fish and remove the insides once every five years or so just to remind us of the death that's wrapped in plastic for $3.99 a pound was once alive. Okay, so the squeamish become vegans and those who like their hamburgers medium-rare should get ready to kill a cow and get their hands bloody. Yeah, folks will say it's another intrusion by the government, but many cultures and people show respect for animals, say a silent prayer, use EVERY bit, and waste nothing to honor the dead. Hey, once every five years is a lot easier than having to kill every time you're hungry!

Feb. 19, 2016
There are those who have never smoked, those who once smoked, but quit, and those who still smoke. Then, there are those who smoke and then go up in flames. I understand more and more folks are surviving lung cancer, yet there are still many who die a slow and painful death. It's rough picking between death by cancer and igniting into a conflagration of flesh and bones. I think I'll stop smoking so I won't have to make that horrible choice.

Feb. 18, 2016
When I was young I drank like a kid, when I was a man I drank until I passed out, though now I'm in my late middle-years and I drink when I'm thirsty.

Feb. 17, 2016
Drugs can heal, hurt or kill, be addictive and pleasant, allow sanity and a certain clearness of imaginative thinking, bring about insanity, bad behavior and worse thoughts, cost a little or a lot, are legal or illegal, derived from plants and other natural sources or synthetic and lab-made with MacGyver ingredients, and usage could be appropriately right or horribly wrong. Usually it's the individual's choice, but sometimes not.

Feb. 16, 2016
Our dreams are good, our nightmares are bad, and when we're awake it's a little of both.

Feb. 15, 2016
Okay, so only God can make a tree, yet with the Ten Commandments He chose to write on stone. Why not paper? Right; the ancient Egyptians were writing on papyrus and the invention of paper in China was more than a thousand years ahead. Now, our American paper money since our government stopped backing the bills with gold and silver has inspired many cynical economists to claim our paper dollars, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50, $100 dollar bills, with the discontinued, but still legal tender $500, $1,000, $5,000, and $10,000 dollar bills, are NOT worth the paper they are printed on. Now, the line “In God We Trust,” must mean if no one honors U.S. paper money, apparently it's believed God will reimburse the presenter. I wonder if He cashes checks?

Feb. 14, 2016
I barely made the transition from 'old' math to 'new' math when I was in high school. Calculus and trigonometry were extremely difficult, but I managed. I envy many senior citizens with quantum hearing, a la the Schrodinger's kitty scenario. There are times when seniors can hear perfectly well, don't hear anything at all, and those rare occasions when they hear and don't hear at the same time. Quantum mechanics is cutting-edge physics, while quantum hearing smacks of something ...which has NOTHING to do with math or theoretical physics and everything to do with 'senior' moments of their own choosing.

Feb. 13, 2016
The sick may sometimes be healed, criminals may be rehabilitated, sex offenders or those with certain mental disorders may be 'cured' with specific treatments, but once you become a cannibal ...one is rather stuck with the designation. You NEVER hear, “Oh, I used to be a cannibal, but I stopped eating human flesh a long time ago.” We can change some things, but not others.

Feb. 12, 2016
We think of the Earth or Mom Terra as being round, a sphere, with a slight bulge around the middle. Now, describing Mom Terra as an oblate spheroid is a bit like telling a woman her jeans don't exactly fit properly. I believe this is why we experience so-called 'natural disasters', because Mom Terra is a tad irritated when we draw attention to Her bulge. It's just a theory...

Feb. 11, 2016
Fish swim, birds fly, monkeys climb and swing, snakes slither, and humans ...text and watch videos on YouTube with their smart-phones. Oh, sure we can mimic the natural abilities of certain animals, fish, and birds with the help of different technologies, and we can even copy some insect behavior if we choose to. Yet, we try to avoid acting like dogs and pigs, except on special occasions when it's unavoidable.

Feb. 10, 2016
Recipes are our way of sharing unique foodstuff concoctions with others. There are those who follow recipes to the exact amounts of various ingredients and prepared without deviation. Others, however, enjoy ad-libbing with an extra amount here, less there, and adding either something sweet or spicy hot. Yeah, there are plenty of standards which are cooked or prepared only one way and it's repeated again and again and again. The kitchen is much like the bedroom – one either follows the rules or doesn't.

Feb. 9, 2016
Babies, old people, smokers, and drunks all seem to have unique smells which some accept and appreciate, while others sniff, cough, and exit stage left. In the spirit of honest transparency, I must admit there was a time when I smelled, pretty good by my recollection, however I stopped because it wasn't unique and independent enough. I wasn't comfortable smelling like everyone else. Maybe it was the blue Aqua Velva or the green Mennen aftershave...

Feb. 8, 2016
It's categorically untrue “All roads lead to Rome,” as I recently took a wrong turn and drove around in circles for entirely too long, and at no time was I anywhere near Rome. I did pass a couple of pizza places, but we can't count those as 'Roman'. Now, homophonically, one could conclude I was “roaming,” but that would be stretching the dough too thin.

Feb. 7, 2016
Orange foods are supposed to be good for you and tasty as well – sweet potatoes, apricots, and butternut squash contain vitamin A, iron, and potassium, as well as other healthy nutrients. Orange women, like Brazilian females, are among the loveliest on the planet (excluding the beautiful Irish lasses, of course), as long as they don't suffer from carotenosis, an unfortunate pigment condition from eating too many carrots. “What's up, doc?” is supposed to be a signature line of Bugs Bunny and not the beginning of a conversation with a physician.

Feb. 6, 2016
It's not that accountants are paid to deceive or lawyers are reimbursed to lie, yet when police self-describe their mission as to protect and to serve, I have to wonder if a 'tip' is a clue or a monetary reward for doing a good job. And, of course, we have to decide between ten, fifteen, or twenty percent...

Feb. 5, 2016
Some trash is refuse, not all garbage is filthy, one's waste is another's gift, but everyone knows what gets discarded and that which gets passed on.

Feb. 4, 2016
A dozen dozen is a gross, two pears are a pair, a few used to mean three though now can be interpreted as three, four, or five, while several seemed to be tied with the number seven, however some use it for numbers three through nine... I enjoyed in anthropology learning many so-called primitives have words for one and two and ...a whole lot more than two. Such simplicity! The seven days of the week, the twelve months of the year, ...and Frodo had nine fingers. It's sweet and cool when children hold up a number of fingers and say, “This many!”

Feb. 3, 2016
We began with grunts and gestures, words formed as distinct languages developed, rock art became proto-writing, wedge-shaped ideograms inspired Sumerian cuneiform and picturesque ideograms turned into Egyptian hieroglyphs, and other peoples developed individual scripts independently or by stimulus diffusion (hey, our neighbors are doing something called 'writing'), and shorthand and binary evolved over time. All that history to consider and appreciate, however we still are comfortable with grunts and gestures. Ug and hug!

Feb. 2, 2016
Individuality and uniqueness should be encouraged, though it's entirely unnecessary as we're ALL one of a kind. Oh, some may share a trait there or that behavior with many or only a few. Yet, unavoidably, there's only one of me and one of you and you and you. I suppose it's a good thing there's only one of me, because shopping is difficult enough without having to shop for two of me.

Feb. 1, 2016
The human brain is a marvelous organ and some believe it's the greatest creation in the universe, as it enables the universe to understand and appreciate itself. Sometimes strong and fully functional, though unfortunately it is also most fragile and easily subject to weakness, disease, and injury. I hope the universe enjoys our successes and failures, because the human brain is keeping track of the universe and feels privileged to witness the growth and life of the universe. Some speculate on an eventual 'end' or 'death' of the universe, however we're only human and could be wrong.

Jan. 31, 2016
'Twas always a shame when in 1935's film classic, THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN, Frankenstein's monster encounters a little girl with a handful of flowers beside a lake, both enjoy tossing individual flowers into the lake and share delight in watching them float, and when out of flowers Frankenstein's monster tosses the little girl into the lake. 'Twas a shame the little girl drowned and Frankenstein's monster was blamed for her murder, though I've always held her parents responsible for NOT teaching her to swim. Rightly or wrongly, some take responsibility (or have it forced upon them), while others avoid blame and quietly return to mundanity and denial.

Jan. 30, 2016
While sidewalks have evolved over the years with dirt, then wooden-planks, to cobble stones and brick, with today when most sidewalks are made of poured cement (often with a youngster's initials hastily etched before the concrete fully dries). Though the materials which constitute a sidewalk have changed, the nasty stuff which gets stuck or stains the bottom of our shoes have not. As has been uttered many times before: some things change, while others do not.

Jan. 29, 2016
Now, firmly into my Middle Years, I fondly recall going out 'clubbing' in my youth. The socializing, drinking, dancing, and occasionally going home with a lass who didn't wish to end the evening at the club's closing. Of course, in olden times 'clubbing' literally meant hitting someone over the head with a club. A practice which, unfortunately still exists, though I SWEAR I haven't hit anyone over the head for at least... Well, it was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, and I have NO plans for any sequals. Going home with a lass in her Middle Years, however, remains an option.

Jan. 28, 2016
Come on, who hasn't tried to hold their breath until they pass out? I'm sure most have at one time or another and more than likely everyone failed. Our involuntary respiratory function kicks in and we gulp lungfuls of air whether we want to or not. I believe trying and failing to be 'natural' behavior and function. Now, self-asphyxiation (when sex is involved it's called asphyxiophilia) ŕ la Vaughn Bodē (the “Cheech Wizard” cartoon character featured in NATIONAL LAMPOON and some underground comics) with a closet, a belt wrapped around the neck, and furiously masturbating while passing out, also occurred with David Carradine (the actor best known for his role as Kwai Chang Caine in the television series, KUNG FU), who were both talented and kinky, is profoundly stupid as it often leads to death. Breathing is good – not breathing is bad.

Jan. 27, 2016
Some love the day, but despise the night, while others come alive at night and shun the day. The romantics, sailors, certain religious individuals, and plants are keenly aware of sunsets and sunrises. Noon and midnight each have their supporters, yet I've always held a soft spot for those who follow a broken clock and are content with being correct merely twice a day. Twice? Many are fortunate to be correct ONCE a day...

Jan. 26, 2016
Phrenic loneliness is unavoidable except to psychotics who hear voices or carry on conversations with themselves. I've had tinnitus in my right ear for some thirty years and hear variously the sounds of waves or a static-hum as if one is tuning a radio and is in between channels. This has served as a personal barometer of sanity – if I ever HEAR a radio station in my mind or, of course, if I'm spoken to by someone who isn't there, then ...I will consider myself in serious trouble. So far, so good.

Jan. 25, 2016
The magic of youth playing marbles in the dirt, climbing trees, making little forts and towns out of twigs in any spare spot of grass seemed to disappear with adulthood. Yet, though I hold to the scientific method, I recognize the psychological ramifications of a belief system. As a fan of J. R. R. Tolkien, I occasionally stop and pat a tree and say, “Hello,” to honor the Ents and the loss of the Ent-wives. Spending nearly all my adult life in the concrete jungles of Chicago, Detroit, Boston, and New York, when I happen to walk through a public park or on someone's lawn, as soon as my feet touch any grass, I feel a vaguely familiar excitement as meeting an old friend I haven't seen for a long time. I NEVER wish to lose my way with pseudo-science, but I do dearly miss the “magic” I feel regarding Mom Nature, and will try and spend more time with Her in the future.

Jan. 24, 2016
I am touched ...that I've touched the earth beneath my feet, the water in rivers, lakes, and oceans, waved my hand back and forth and touched the air, and on foggy morning, with low-lying clouds, it's as if I've touched the sky. Now, when I touch myself or others, matters seem to go quickly from one extreme to another, that is, great joy or profound disappointment. Of course, this may be why some wear gloves to avoid the reality of the good, the bad, and the pain, though they miss out on joyous wonder in attempts to avoid discovering what you once thought 'was', now isn't.

Jan. 23, 2016
We're asked to remove sugar, artificial sweeteners, hydrogenated oil, trans-fats, and carbs from our diets. Fruits, veggies, and roadkill are still alright, but it's going to be rough on cars and insurance rates.

Jan. 22, 2016
When asked to swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I have to wonder how Pontius Pilate would answer.

Jan. 21, 2016
While we debate whether or not history is a nightmare we can't wake-up from, I guess we should ask insomniacs what's what. Personally, history is a dream I hope I NEVER awake from.

Jan. 20, 2016
I drink my coffee how I like my women – no drooling!

Jan. 19, 2016
In science we demand a model or theory be testable and not falsifiable (non-positivism), though in love we seldom get the model and are rarely told the truth about anything...

Jan. 18, 2016
Music may sooth the savage beast, but humans seem content with simply winning a few bucks on a scratch-ticket or tall change in a lottery.

Jan. 17, 2016
Avoiding bad weather is occasionally like avoiding a parking or traffic ticket. Sometimes one can go indoors with inclement weather and sometimes one can talk one's way out of a ticket. Of course, some weather one can't avoid and some tickets one has to pay. However, the distinction is life can be at stake with one and only money with the other. I'd take a ticket over a tornado any day of the week.

Jan. 16, 2016
What goes up sometimes doesn't come down and what goes down sometimes gets up and cleans one clock without remorse.

Jan. 15, 2016
When one is stuck between a rock and a hard place it's always good to have a pair of adult diapers on. If not, matters will surely get messy eventually.

Jan. 14, 2016
The accused scream their innocence incessantly, while the guilty usually remain silent. Crying seldom helps unless one is really really good at it.

Jan. 13, 2016
We're told from an early age to respect the chemical action which is fire and not to stick our hands in the flames. Some have sick fetishes and like to set things on fire – we call such people arsonists. There are a sad few who practice self-emulation and set themselves on fire. It's said that certain people spontaneously combust and burst into flames. I believe this to be an urban legend and as such, untrue. Bursting into flames might work in the comic-books, but would be a mighty bummer if it happened in real life.

Jan. 12, 2016
There are those who climb a mountain because it's there. Many would decide to go around the mountain, Mohammad had the mountain come to him, and Tolkien's Smeagol/Gollum fantasy character went under the mountain. Some mine a mountain for various riches, while others are content to let the mountain be. I prefer valleys for personal reasons best kept private.

Jan. 11, 2016
Dietitians have started to stress removing sugar from one's diet, last year they encouraged everyone to avoid diet-soda as artificial sweeteners produce the 'wrong' type of fat, then they cautioned against too much juice with its natural fructose, which pretty much leaves milk and water, and some people are lactose intolerant. W. C. Fields used to claim he wouldn't drink water because fish have sex in it... Black De-caf coffee with no sugar? And my docs want me to drink 3-4 quarts of water a day? I dislike going against W. C. Fields because he seemed like a nice man, but I have to follow the docs instructions. I guess I'll just have to filter out the fish sex stuff, ...and the lead, chlorine, fluoride, and all the other bad things. Bottoms up!

Jan. 10, 2016
Most eat to live, while some live to eat. Likewise, there are those who drink because they must survive and then there are 'problem' drinkers'. My heart has always saddened regarding the 'problem' drinkers, because spillage, missing-one's-mouth, or not being able to afford a drink has always been problematic. This is not to endorse a successful drinker who doesn't drool and can afford this can or that bottle. One must conclude it comes down to WHAT one eats or drinks which truly matters.

Jan. 9, 2016
Yeah, I know; never bring a knife to a gunfight, rock, paper, scissors may work with kids, though adults know you're not supposed to take candy from a baby or use a baseball bat on kids with a rock, paper, or scissors. Some rules are regularily broken, though they shouldn't be. Calling Catholic pro-life protesters outside abortion clinics harassing young women, “Nazis,” doesn't exactly follow His Holiness Pope Francis and his directive to show more compassion and understanding, however harassment against those in a troubled psychological and emotional state is just down right mean... Maybe “Nazis” is too harsh, but to not answer cruelty and remain silent is lazy condoning. Agree or disagree, the law of the land allows all women control over their bodies.

Jan. 8, 2016
We need air, water, some proteins and a little fat to survive, we enjoy sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, though sex is necessary to continue the species. There will always be new drugs and new music, yet I doubt they'll be any 'new' type of sex, as we've had over a 120 millennium to try just about everything... However, who knows what the future may offer?

Jan. 7, 2016
In God We Trust,” the motto on most of our currency seems appropriate after a fashion, especially in that it places an impossible burden on a supraterrastrial being, as stopping floods and walking on water hasn't worked at all, and our currency is only as 'good' as the paper it's printed on, in an art-critic sense. Our coinage is a shame and a sham as pennies cost more to make than their agreed upon value and even the humble nickel has been made of a meltable alloy of 75% copper and 25% nickel since 1866 (though for a few years during WWII other metals were used) and as of the end of 2013 an American five-cent nickel costs more than nine cents to make. It's unlikely God has anything to do with our coinage, as even an imaginary deity wouldn't waste money on pretend money.

Jan. 6, 2016
While not all questions may be answered and some answers deserve to be questioned, facts sometimes change with new data and laws occasionally are rewritten or overturned, 'words' may evolve to mean different things, but numbers are constant, 2 + 2 will NEVER equal 5, despite what Big Brother says, though there are talented accountants, certain deceiving pollsters, and most politicians who will swear such is so and do their best to make everyone believe them. This has caused a great rift among us as some question always, some occasionally, and others never question at all. Math has been an exact science since ancient times and not even the bold or brazen SHOULD be able to convince anyone 2 + 2 does not equal 4, unless, of course, you're an American Republican and then all bets are off.

Jan. 5, 2016
When I was younger I used to enjoy my heart racing, my thoughts multi-tasking in consideration of several things at once, and occasionally carrying on a conversation while contemplated this and solving that problem. I believed it was a good thing to function as such. Now, I'm older and all the docs prescribe high blood pressure medication and therapists are constantly telling me to slow down, relax, meditate, and take things easy. What once was a near super-power is now, so I'm told, inviting a heart attack, stroke, or worse. My last blood pressure reading was 112 over 74 which is most cool. Mental multi-tasking? I've been told those can 'do' and those who can't either teach or complain a lot. My personal opinion is one's brain is akin to certain other bodily attributes and functions, that is, use it or lose it. I'm pretty sure brains can't get 'fat' per se, so I'm going to continue to think around, inside, and outside the block. However, the idea of a 'skinny' brain is scary, so I'll continue to think high-calorie thoughts...

Jan. 4, 2016
Birds fly, bats and some squirrels glide, some run fast, while others trip, stumble, and fall. It's said birds are descended from dinosaurs, many bats and squirrels have rabies, if one can run fast so much the better to avoid what is chasing behind, many fail and fall for reasons unique and sad; meanwhile, I'm just going to stand here. It seems safer, somehow.

Jan. 3, 2016
Two walk into a tavern, the bartender asks, “Three, maybe four orders; what can I get you?” The two patrons inquire, “But, there's only two of us?” The bartender swiped a dirty rag over a dirtier bar, and answered, “Well, there's two of you, both of you have an order, me or 'I' as the first-person singular pronoun, we and us you'll have to come to terms with yourselves, as it includes your bartender who drinks scotch on the rocks. I'm thinking there's three or four ways you can order...” “I'll have a tap beer, the cheapest,” said one patron. “I'll have the same, said the other.” “Fine,” the bartender replied, “there's a reason I've got this job and it surely ain't my grammatical or reasoning skills...” He served both patrons with a full head of foam in their glasses. He didn't get a tip, but he did learn most pay to drink in a bar, perhaps talk, though it would appear drinking is/was more important than listening. Talking, like drinking, should be in measured in moderation.

Jan. 2, 2016
Glass has often been referred to as a “liquid (or, more specifically a super and/or under-cooled liquid),” but despite the fact after a certain amount of time (75-150 years) window glass will 'shrink' and fall from their frames, today science calls glass an “amorphous solid,” which is hardcore gobbledygook for saying, “Wow, we don't have a better classification for it.” I've had amorphous relationships, maybe you have too, as there's transparency and shrinkage, and then there's ...admitting I can't describe it properly.

Jan. 1, 2016
Janus, the two-faced one, looked both forward and behind. I guess if you've got two faces ya' might as well... May all with merely one face look ahead and see hope and realization before them.

Dec. 31, 2015
By its nature a rock is hard, usually too tough for human fingers alone to scratch or crack it, yet when the rock rolls human feet begin to tap and move most oddly.

Dec. 30, 2015
Watching the stars at night most people, at one time or another, probably question whether or not they are watching back. It's doubtful, of course, but within today's understanding of science, somewhat remotely possible. And, so it goes, many believe that next lottery number will be a winner. Einstein was more than likely correct when he exclaimed, “God does not play dice...” Maybe a scratch-ticket every now and then, but rolling dice is out of the question.

Dec. 29, 2015
We are taught to “Let It Be,” to “become passersby (SV Sayings Gospel of Thomas: 42), or that what we see around us is Māyā that is “illusion,” and when the snow begins to fall we turn to Mr. Shovel, who asks,”What are you waiting for?”

Dec. 28, 2015
It's been said, “The eyes are the windows to your souls,” though I'm unsure if being a Peeping Tom into someone's spiritual ectoplasma is proper.  Being a bit of a inner-vitality voyeur is like hanging out in a locker room after folks have exercised. I believe this is why many wear sunglasses – not necessarily to keep the light out, but to keep their conscience to themselves. 

Dec. 27, 2015
So, there's this thing people have been doing when today is a really a bad day, it's called 'sleeping', maybe you've heard or read about it. Anywho, everything was going wrong and I hated how I felt, so I tried 'sleeping'. And, It kinda' worked... My bad day was now 'yesterday', which was really cool, until everything started to go wrong again, and I realized it was 'today' again and I had to go back to sleep. I feel I'm addicted now, because all I want to do is sleep. I'm sure the government has something to do with it to keep people in check and control them, it's just with sleeping all the time, I've got NO IDEA what 'tomorrow' is going to be like. Oh, well. Maybe if I go back to sleep I'll find out.

Dec. 26, 2015
Some collect coins, stamps, comic books, or even trash. I'd suggest collecting trash as $17.50 an hour to start with full medical coverage is a better deal than trying to find a copy of Action #1 at a garage sale...

Dec. 25, 2015
A baby may be born crying, though many believe it's a cry of joy and of life. Joy and life? Yeah, that's something to cry for!

Dec. 24, 2015
It's been said, “Children should be seen and not heard...” If only politicians would do their jobs and not be heard... Of course, there's about as much of a chance of that happening as America voting for an idiot! Ah, wait a bit and let me think that through...

Dec. 23, 2015
We could send in the humorists to take out the terrorists, but the contest would be a goofy one. Still, having collateral damage of jokes falling flat would be better than dead woman and children. And, by some miracle of chance, if the humorists DID win against the terrorists, we might be at risk from dying laughing, however that's surely better than meeting our end by meanness...

Dec. 22, 2015
Like an alchemist going through the motions in his futile attempt at transforming common lead into gold – that is to say, in the face of a known and certain failure, the 'act' of repetition was the true reason for his alchemical pursuits – we generally vote as our parents or in rebellion, just the opposite of our parents. The repetition of the continuous or rebellious seems a constant. You can lead a Republican to a voting booth, but you can't make him or her vote Democratic. Some are content with habitual behavior, while others easily and readily break the pattern. Sure, hot-dogs are topped with mustard, pickle relish, and onions (never ketchup, because of its acidity), however once in a blue moon I'll eat a hot-dog with nothing on it. No, this doesn't mean I'm going to vote Republican to get off of the Wheel of Fate, but maybe, one day if I have enough money, I'll try and change gold into lead...

Dec. 21, 2015
Our current e-evolution doesn't seem to fit Gould and Eldredge's theory of punctuated evolution (long periods of little or no change, and then BAM! or branching evolution when things radically and suddenly changed), which, of course, is contra to phyletic gradualism when everything changes at a slow, steady, and constant pace. The later is more in line with Darwin and Wallace's evolution by natural selection (i.e., the strongest, prettiest, etc.). And, then we could trip down paths of genetic drift, adaptation, mutation, and many other variations of the theory of evolution. However, e-evolution (here used as a shortened form of personal electronic devises and their 'evolution' is in a category of its own), consumer marketing? Check. Advances in miniaturizing electronic components? Check. Combining several (or more) various electronic capabilities into a single device ( and making it as small as a Dick Tracy wristwatch? Check. Quantum computing used to speed up certain functions? ...Wait a minute or nano-second, whatever. Personal (and home) electronics seem to be evolving at some odd and extreme rate. I used to freak out when I got up from the toilet and it flushed itself, but now we're moving into driver-less cars and wrist devices which can tell one's blood pressure, and also who's available for sex in a several block radius. Dear Aldous, yes, it's a BRAVE NEW WORLD, especially when schools are seriously thinking about not teaching penmanship to testing kids and melatonin drain from staring at a small screen for hours is messing with our sleep and reasoning. ˇViva La E-Revolución! Some states have banned texting while driving, though texting during coitus has yet to be discussed.

Dec. 20, 2015
All Things Must Pass, the title of George Harrison's 1970 triple album, was long interpreted as referencing the ending of The Beatles. In later years, Harrison actually used the word “constipated” when describing his forced song contributions on many of the last Beatles' albums, because the egos of Lennon and McCartney (Ringo, ever the carefree one, was content with having only a track or two on most Beatles' albums). George said so many of his songs were rejected by the Beatles, some dating back to 1964, he had enough material to contribute to ten (more) Beatles' albums. And, yes, most of those songs eventually appeared on All Things Must Pass. By analogy, what could make America less constipated? Would tax reform, jobs rebuilding our nation's infrastructure, and ridding ourselves of the lingering racism and sexism act as 'fiber' and allow attitudes, policies, and our economy to 'pass' and restore America to a healthy position? In our presidential election next year, many Americans will indeed soil themselves no matter who is elected. However, whether or not it lessens our constipation, is a coin-toss. While it is true, all things must pass, The Beatles had a dozen years to develop their problems, while America has had more than two centuries. One day America will indeed have a much needed movement, it could be liberating or somewhat painful. The only thing I'm sure of is it'll take a lot tissues and towels to clean up afterwards.

Dec. 19, 2015
It's been said admitting one doesn't know all is the first step toward wisdom. I would suggest this is an example of pseudo-proto-philosophy (yeah, I know, such has never been mentioned before – well, it has now). The much respected science fiction author, Robert A. Heinlein, said “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.” I'm pretty sure I've read every thing Heinlein wrote and especially support his later work, including, Stranger in a Strange Land, as excellent novels (though his depiction of female characters constantly smelling their armpits ...seemed odd). Okay his “juvenile fiction” period ...is only 'okay'. Anywho, as far as specialization, I very much am a supporter. When being treated by a certain doctor who is an expert in his/her field, I couldn't care at all if he or she can cook a tasty meal. The whole 'Renaissance' approach where one is supposed to be masterful in many fields sounds like a nice hobby. I think we all want a specialist to do their job to the best of their ability.

Dec. 18, 2015
We cherish friends as monkeys enjoy bananas. Peeling is opptional, slippery is always present, the eating of either is a personal choice, however we generally prefer friends over monkeys because monkeys never ever offer to split the tab over dinner.

Dec. 17, 2015
A steady hand doesn't always share with a clear mind, as pulling the trigger isn't always the correct thing to do.

Dec. 16, 2015
I've lived through “Don't Trust Anyone Over Thirty,” “Fourth-Graders Rule,” and some really scary hyper-feminist graffiti and painted bus-stop benches which actively encouraged the castration of all men 'now', and I survived the Cheney/Bush years. I will not surrender to the inevitable Reign of Stupidity (it's deeper than Trump and ISIS), nor will I, in all likelihood, survive it or want to. Mom Terra's life-forms first were microscopic. Then came the epoch of the dino-giantism with plants, bugs, and all manner of creatures being equally as ...huge. As for what comes next, I'm betting on heavy metal skull snails versus the limp cockroaches. Two enter, one leaves, as there's only room for one in the High Castle.

Dec. 15, 2015
All of this “The reason we fall is to learn how to get back up” nonsensical reasoning is designed to subvert the minds of the future into a belief whereby learning has a connection with pain. Great Caezar's Ghost and his Uncle's ankle too, ...if only the fools would watch where they're going! Learning should be rewarded and not punished – correctly identifying the capital of Vermont as Montpelier should earn, for example, a snack or a pair of socks. Now, explaining the Kepler Conjecture properly (the amount of data has been estimated at three gigabytes) should be awarded at least a good backrub or perhaps a little more...

Dec. 14, 2015
The Path of the Righteous is beset with easy hook-ups, single-malts, bombastic buds, and a guaranteed job even if you forgot your middle name and had to make up one on your job application, new credit cards which magically appear every day, and finally, a spouse with compassion and grace... Especially during the divorce proceedings when you have to decide between becoming an organ donor to pay off fines and taxes or do the jail time and hope your cell block has an eastern-facing view. Many decide to leave the Path of the Righteous, shop at the dollar-store when possible, and save their pennies so one day they might be able to afford to have all those fickle tattoos removed. Turning to the Left works sometimes, but still ends up with either jail-time or a life of watching LAW AND ORDER reruns.

Dec. 13, 2015

For more than a century it's been illegal to expectorate (or spit) on side-walks or other public thoroughfares. I agree, the spittle from smokeless chewing tobacco belongs in a spittoon and not at one's feet. Some have claimed the Great Influenza Epidemic (or Pandemic) of 1918 was started and spread from spitting on the sidewalks – now, modern science knows much of the infestation was spread through the air. Sure, every now and then you'll read a story from here or there where someone gets a ticket for $175 or $500 for letting loose a luggie at the wrong place and time. In these pro-active times, with dear Jamie Lee Curtis pushing yogurt with lots of GOOD bacteria contained therein, I wonder if we should re-think our approach to spitting on sidewalks, as such could be considered pro-biotic and just might save lives one day. Of course, the carpet and rug cleaner manufacturers would like go all NRA over the idea and argue spitting is not a right, but a private necessity not to be performed in public. I'll leave the debate over spitting or swallowing to a different discussion.

Dec. 12, 2015
Desertion for eating dessert in a desert could be assumed to be abandonment of duty or an example of the Twinkie defense. Whether the ACLU, Weight Watchers, or a case for the U.S. Uniform Code of Military Justice, all seem silly alternatives. It depends on the dessert, of course, as with 'Red Velvet' anything should be excused. IMO, of course.

Dec. 11, 2015
To say to a child when it's raining, “G*d is crying because of something you did,” is cruel. However, it could be true, so I'd recommend saying, “The clouds are sweating because they are working so hard at being beautiful.” Or, you could explain condensation and precipitation, or simply instruct them to go to school and ask a science teacher. We always have choices.

Dec. 10, 2015
It's said we can't avoid death and taxes, though there seem to be many who get away with paying little or no taxes. Death? Well, cryogenics and trans-humanist mind uploading into a computer doesn't seem likely for years and years and years to come. We must remember it's not the quantity or length of one's life, but rather ...quality. Mind you, most will always fight against death, some would welcome it, though when confronted with the inevitable, acceptance is just another term for like it or not, every story comes to an end.

Dec. 9, 2015
Legalizing recreational drugs sort of sounds like a good idea, though catching a frisbee while on hallucinogens (or ethneogens) scares me, as I'd more than likely run into a tree or something equally as painful...

Dec. 8, 2015
If someone asks, “What bird would you be?,” I'd likely reply ...”A turtle.” Yeah, obfuscation, misdirection, avoiding the question, and also ...I'm not really into imaginary “What Ifs.” I like being me and you should like being you.

Dec. 7, 2015
As long as we remember those who have passed, the deceased will never truly be gone...

Dec. 6, 2015
Cracking eggs correctly is an art and a skill, unless one is allergic to eggs (which makes “cracking” a meaningless exercise), a vegan who doesn't eat anything with a face, or a somewhat normal omnivore who just doesn't care for eggs. The popular idiom “You've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet,” appears to have first been used (in a paraphrase) by a New York Time's reporter Walter Duranty, who got drunk and attended orgies with Aliester Crowley, but also became close with Joseph Stalin, and justified Stalin's treatment (widespread execution or imprisonment of Soviet dissenters) with the eggs and omelet analogy. As an 'over-easy' guy who laughs at communist rhetoric, I suspect so-called 'Fate' is nothing more than extremely freaky coincidence. I do feel sorry, as an omnivore, as I find eggs tasty despite the murder involved, but ...much of meat, fish, fowl, and even plants require ...death or murder. Damn, now I'm hungry and I've either got to go kill something or go to Burger King...

Dec. 5, 2015
Most know if a mare mates with a jack donkey, the inter-species product is called a mule (as the female horse or Equus ferus caballus and the jack is a male donkey or ass, that is Equus africanus asinus). The vast majority of mules are sterile and inacable of producing offspring, yet there have been several hundred documented cases. Most, however, are not familiar with the eerie oddity of the offspring of a Republican and a Democrat. There have been some offspring, but they couldn't manage a balanced psyche and ended their days in aslyums. A few have successfully pretended to be able to manage their heritage, call themselves “Independents,” yet sociologists, psychologists, and voters have believed they are delusional, though basically harmless. Mixing gin and tonic remains an established known, that is producing intoxication. Combining wacky broads and geek guys remains a statistical unknown. Guys are taught to avoid wack, but we're also told never to exceed the posted speed limit...

Dec. 4, 2015
When Hawkeye (played by Alan Alda) in the television series, Mash, based on the book (and, somewhat, on its sequels), said,: ”I'm a reformed druid – I worship small bushes...,” I more than likely put a sexual spin on it's (or, rather, my) interpretation, despite my young age of fourteen or so. The writer's words probably intended them to be self-deprecating, that the character of Hawkeye felt he wasn't as 'smart' or 'noble' as the ancient Celtic druids, but rather was somewhat lesser. Well, words get misinterpreted all the time... For me, a young teen and a hormonally over-charged heterosexual who had a little experience with actual sex and a fair amount of reading and viewing about ...sex. It (in my mind) supported my Irish heritage and became a personally dogmatic saying I'd toss around ...in certain situations. I'd ask forgiveness from the script writer, but I need to forgive myself first.

Dec. 3, 2015
Sweetness seems to have a limit, as does tart and sour, however we appear to be in the age of heat with those wishing exactitude using the American Spice Trade Association pungency units, while the proles still use the 1912 method devised by Wilbur Scoville, an American pharmacist, and known as the Scoville Organoleptic Test. In such, the common 'Bell' pepper rates a zero on the Scoville heat unit scale, with the Jalapeńo pepper rated at 1,000 to 4,000 units, the Habanero pepper weighs in at 100,000 to 350,000 units, and the debatable champion, the Chocolate Bhutla ghost pepper (a hybrid of C. chinense and C. frutscens) from India reaching a reported 2 to 4 million Scoville heat units. There are some scorchers out there, yet even the hottest can't compare to the blistering blasts from an irate woman...

Dec. 2, 2015
They say the Earth (i.e., Mom Terra) isn't perfectly round, but has a slight bulge around its middle. Now, it's not enough to be considered a beer-belly or baby fat, it's just a little thicker around the equator. Cartographers refer to such as an oblate spheroid. Personally, I believe when you reach a certain age, say four and a half billion years old, one is entitled to a slight bulge It's only fair.

Dec. 1, 2015
I have to wonder if the expression, “An apple a day will keep the doctor away,” is pseudo-science. We know the juice of an apple is acidic and bad for your tooth enamel, but WHO eats enough apples a day for the acidity to be truly damaging, dentists counter. And, the cyanide in apple seeds shouldn't troube the average person, as one would have to consume around 18 apples a day, seeds and all, for the fruit to be deadly. However, why the distancing of doctors? Regular check-ups are good and not all problems or illnessses are visable or readily noticed by an individual. I suggest slowing down on apple consumption and eating more broccoli. How else are we going to support the production of more James Bond films?

Nov. 30, 2015
While suicides and chickens have the same goal, that is to get to the other side, the former marks an end and the latter celebrates a beginning, unless, of couse, the chicken gets hit by a car. Always look both ways, and think long and hard, before you cross and most especially if you are trying to reach the other side.

Nov. 29, 2015
We don't have wings, we don't have gills, we don't have tails (or at least most of us anyways), but we do have the intelligence to manufacture canned beer and Doritos. Now, if only we possessed the will to drink beer and eat Doritos in moderation. Well, we can't have everything!

Nov. 28, 2015
Most now take showers (we hope, at least on occasion) which greatly reduces the chance of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's likely pro-bathers will be offended, yet as long as they are careful with the toddlers, I guess it's okay.

Nov. 27, 2015
Crying out “Eureka” during certain mating practices may not be polite, but it sure feels good!

Nov. 26, 2015
Today we fowl our nest and leave the clean-up for another time. May your knives be sharp and your backs against the wall (in case the flightless gobblers come through the door to fight)!

Nov. 25, 2015
We may break the laws of men, bend the laws of Nature, yet the laws of attraction and repulsiveness are beyond us. One either does or doesn't.

Nov. 24, 2015
Mercy should be unconditional, though we often show bias toward some, but not others. Sometimes we shouldn't do unto others what should be done to us. So many choices with so few correct answers.

Nov. 23, 2015
Today, most count calories like our far distant ancestors, that is, one, two, three, and a whole bunch. May we all go wicked retro this holiday season and worry about loins, rumps, and flanks later, though one can't have enough brisket... In moderation, of course... Bra sizes only go so far.

Nov. 22, 2015
Toeing the line for peace doesn't help with 90lbs of war weight on the average battle soldier.  Some ancient Celts ran into war naked while holding a spear ...and things didn't quite work out for them.  They should have left the spear at home.  Conflict is weighty enough without deadly adornments.

Nov. 21,2015
Dress-shoes, tennis-shoes (covering everything from walking to running shoes), boots, sandals, and flip-flops are all accepted, but the new Füt (Ger. 'foot') Glove shoes are the current ridiculous trend. Heavy socks with individual sheaths for one's toes. I suppose it's better than just walking around in a pair of regular socks, but not by much. Though I do appeciate my giggling everytime I them...

Nov. 20, 2015
Fad diets come and go with nearly all reputable dietitians and doctors advising moderation and exercise – period. In Archaeology 101 we are taught the 10,000 BCE advent of agriculture was the single worst thing that's happened to humans, as it's only afterwards do archaeologists see arthritic spines from field work and bad or ground-down teeth from tiny fragments of stone mixed with the stone-ground flour from somewhat domesticated grain seeds. The Paleo-Diet fad since the late '70s was ...interesting. I would suggest an early period of human diet – the Savanna-Diet and scavenging the remains of wildlife carcasses left by animal predators and birds. It's sort of like dumpster-diving, but closer to living off of road-kill. Personally, I'm sticking with my unique mix of good-for-you and not-so-good-for-you diet, but if one is interested and committed to authenticity, the Savanna-Diet is a challenging alternative.

Nov. 19, 2015
We often say, “It's raining cats and dogs,” as the rain-drops seemingly fighting twixt themselves to see which could splash upon you.  Better, I think, is to exclaim, “The clouds are crying because one didn't experience pareidolia and see the clouds for what they truly are.”  Now, such an exclamation might very well cause one to become immediately alone, a shadow in the rain, and abandoned by the bored.  Like, THAT never happened before!

Nov. 18, 2015
Most of us trust our senses and regard as truth if we see something, hear something, taste something, smell something, or feel something ourselves.  Unless, of course, one has mental issues, is wicked drunk on alcohol or stoned on drugs.  A method actor attempting to delve beyond the handicaps of Helen Keller MIGHT be able to shut out all sensory input, though it's far easier to simply go to sleep and leave the 'trusting' to others.

Nov. 17, 2015
Pain hurts and tells one's body to immediately stop what one is doing or to find a doctor posthaste. Unless, going dark, one welcomes pain as a masochist and gives into a sexual disorder to experience the bad, to get the good, with both being ugly by convention. Pleasure, conversely, is feeling as jolly as a young lad hitting a home-run. While there are many ways to induce either pain or pleasure, there's only one way to decide which is best for the individual – one must pick between broads, beer, and bacon, or scented candles, some Chanel No. 5, and a box of chocolate turtles presented by a gentleman on one knee, or take a swing at the biggest lout in the tavern, or play a game of tennis in spiked heels. There's always choices or one could simply turn on the television and go back to bed, leaving it to others to cry or laugh. I haven't had one of those turkey club sandwiches cut into four pieces and run through with a toothpick with a extra side of mayo in a long time. There's always tomorrow, but with my luck I'd probably jab myself with one of the toothpicks.

Nov. 16, 2015
Stars that don't shine are like flowers without an aroma. One could add unrequited love is similar to sitting in the driver's seat of an expensive car without the keys, however getting lost in analogies is worse than losing one's way in the woods. At least in the forest one could leave bread crumbs or markers, but one can't consummate an automobile, though there have been many who have had sex in a car...

Nov. 15, 2015
A whole hole cannot be halved, though it can be quartered by tossing in a quarter dollar American coin.

Nov. 14, 2015
Some lives span longer than others, bridges span geographical divides and bodies of water, the width of a hand is occasionally referred to as a 'span', and, of course, may also denote the length of the longest inherently sequential part in a parallel algorithm or operations performed consecutively because of data dependencies (aka, the critical path).  Spam, switching words non-sensibly, usually refers to either a unique mixed meat product or unwanted e-mails.  Now, we could have some fun with 'spat', but I think I'll dance to the English Beat and save it for later.

Nov. 13, 2015
Sometimes we forget to remember, while at other times we instruct ourselves to remember to forget. I'm sorry, what was my point again?

Nov. 12, 2015
If meat is murder, then fish-sticks must be butchery, and fried chicken would be criminal foul play. Of course, such reasoning requires salads to be regarded as a vegetable massacre. However, consuming a Snickers bar is only a misdemeanor, if that...

Nov. 11, 2015
Neuroscientists are investigating why we believe in some things and not others, our behavior in different situations, and also the processes of thought and emotion. A neurotic is one who has an inability to adapt to change or one or more problems coping with a variety of issues, things, and certain or all people. A neurotic neuroscientist would likely mess with your head worse than that crazy ex-partner who burned all your clothes and told your friends and family you recently converted to Satanism. I hope real neuroscientists can figure out why some prefer DC comics (Superman and Batman) to Marvel (Captain America and Spider-Man). I have to take a nap, now.

Nov. 10, 2015
War is dissimilar to Love. The opposite of Love is NOT Hate, but rather indifference. The contrapositive of War is not Peace, but rather ...apathy. Hate is an emotional projection of rejection and a strong, angry dislike and disgust of association. Peace is personal and also civic security sometimes expressed as a calming serenity and unity with one's self and/or community. Indifference is dispassionately not caring one way or the other. Now, if I could properly and adequately define Love, I'd immediately sell the rights to Hallmark Greeting Cards and make a fortune...

Nov. 9, 2015
Non-diary imitation butter spread too thin across gluten-free whole grain bread may taste akin to the cardboard used in packing dress-shirts, though there are those who would argue it's good for you. There are also those who would argue folding one's toilet paper is better than just squeezing it into a ball, yet I maintain it's an individual's choice. Certain mystics would describe such as the sound of one hand wiping...

Nov. 8, 2015
Smoking may be currently connected with lung cancer and pollution, but what if the future offspring of today's smokers are genetically adapted to breath in smog and filthy air? Alright, I guess that's too much of a...cough ...reach.

Nov. 7, 2015
Challenged, Financially Challenged. Coming soon to a street-corner near you. Perhaps there isn't a “license to beg” involved, but panhandlers seldom follow the rules...

Nov. 6, 2015
While it's true some whines become more annoying with the passage of time, a fine dark bear in your backyard is not a good time to play possum, but rather call your dear, eat some crow, and let Nature takes its course. Or, you could calmly, yet rapidly move indoors and inform your better half to avoid going out-of-doors and suggest a quite evening watching rom-coms, while admitting sometimes the wild conquors the civilized and even mediocore whines are better than the sound of a burp after a bear is done with dinner. Ordering a pizza delivered works as well.

Nov. 5, 2015
One becomes many, many becomes more, more becomes all, and all scream for ice cream – except the lactose intollerant who insist on flavored ices or non-dairy imitation alternative to ice cream. It seems all crave the sound of the ice cream truck's jingle, which was a variation of one of the most racist songs in American history. See: http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2014/05/11/310708342/recall-that-ice-cream-truck-song-we-have-unpleasant-news-for-you

Nov. 4, 2015
We don't sleep to cleanse our minds of the day's events and problems, or to enter into a dreamtime of phantasmagoria, but rather because we're tired and need some rest, damn it!

Nov. 3, 2015
Purists believe it's wrong to put ketchup on a hot dog because of its bitter unpalatableness (often blamed on the presence of vinegar), and insist only mustard, relish, and onions are placed atop a hot dog. I'm originally from Chicago where we put sport-peppers, tomato slices, a pickle spear and other things on our dogs, while in Hartford, Connecticut, a hot dog with everything contains ketchup, mustard, relish, onions, sauerkraut, chili, and topped with grated cheddar cheese. To be pure or impure is an inividual's choice. Or, you could just order a hamburger...

Nov. 2, 2015
The difference between the “one who got away” and the “one I'm stuck with” may be something as intangiable as 'bad timing' or as random and insignificant as that damned butterfly who flaps its wings in one part of the world and changes something someplace else (chaos theory). As I don't believe in predestination or luck, and mathematical recurrence, along with quantum chaos theory, is above my pay-grade, I choose to regard my life's position, relationships, accomplishments, and failures, as the result of my decisions and mine alone. Except when it's someone else's fault, of course.

Nov. 1, 2015
I haven't bought any of the many gluten-free products as I believe it's discrimination against gluten, a main ingredient in bread, beer, and cereals, not to leave out imitation meats, So, 1 out of 1750 Americans have the rare celiac disease and can't enjoy Wheaties and beer. This, in and of itself, should in no way challenge the breakast of alcoholic champions.

Oct. 31, 2015
Though 'time', as we currently understand it, is an ongoing sequence of now, now, now, now, now, now, etc., it's a Hell of a lot better than when 'time' runs out...

Oct. 30, 2015
They say that life is better than death, but it's a guess. If only someone would come back from the dead to help clear up the confusion. So, I suppose to err on the side of caution, we should all choose life. At least for now...

Oct. 29, 2015
Funny-Books are seldom funny anymore, according to what you read or believe in, just about everything we eat and drink is either carcinogenic or bad for you to some degree (bottled water is now anathema because of the Bisphenol A (BPA) contained in the plastic of the bottle), and even a “breath of fresh air” doesn't quite smell or satisfy as it once did. We have to blame someone and I nominate Iceland. Not for any specific reason, the population is handsome and pleasant enough and the land is breathtakingly beautiful, it's just someone has to take the blame. Maybe next time it'll be Hawai'i or Nixon, but for now, it's all Iceland's fault.

Oct. 28, 2015
Some folks are like windows and you can see right through them, others are like floors and let everyone walk all over them, there are those who are like doors, in that they can easily swing this way or that, and then there are those who are like ceilings, lofty and usually too high to touch. I've always identified with furniture because style changes and I move around a lot.

Oct. 27, 2015
Secrets are usually short-lived, truths change when new data is introduced, yet falsehoods always remain lies.

Oct. 26, 2015
Our collective shame is varied with some worse than others, our pride reflects the idiomatic “History is written by the winners,” and some of our events and accomplishments are significantly approved by certain groups, while other groups are proud of other aspects of our past and our current role on the world stage, though as Americans (ignoring illusional divisions of Native American, Irish American, Italian American, etc.) we are hated by many around the world, loved by a respectable portion, but the rest generally ignore us, our military might, our culture, and thousands of unique fast-food restaurants. Though others may not care, we do, and that's what truly makes us Americans...We care. Really, I mean, who would lie about such a thing?

Oct. 25, 2015
Complaining can be conversational and cathartic, we all understand there are those who have it worse than us, which is why I appreciate life when it gets miserable and everything goes wrong. Now, I just have to to work on my dependency on disinformation. Have a nice day! Or not...

Oct. 24, 2015
In all my years, I've seen plenty of stores advertising “Fine” liquors, yet not a one selling “Not-So-Fine,” “Average,” or “Cheap, But Drinkable” liquors...

Oct.23, 2015
The measure of a man or woman is not to be found in feet and inches,but rather with what condiments they use. Mayonnaise to sriracha, we independently display our differences, though I would strong advice avoiding ANYONE who puts mustard on ice cream...

Oct. 22, 2015
Icarus lied as he died – it wasn't his wings which went soft, but his heart...

Oct. 21, 2015
We're all wealthy in our own way, it's just some spend better than others..

Oct. 20, 2015
One may duck and dodge, trip and slip, traduce trash-talk, but NO ONE beats Mr. Sidewalk...

Oct. 19, 2015
There are those who love passionately, who hate vehemently, yet the indifferent cause me the greatest concern as there is no virtue in apathy...

Oct. 18, 2015
Achievement is the failure to fail...


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